Wednesday
20Aug
It starts...
Wednesday, August 20, 2008 at 09:26AM 
I didn't take this picture. I found it of Paul on the internet and saved it to my desktop. According to my site stats since Paul died, forty-one people have searched for his name on the internet and have ended up on my blog. Even when he is no longer here, he is so very loved by everyone.
What I really wanted to blog about is not the traffic on the internet, but the fact that Paul appeared to me in my dream this morning! This happens often with my grandmother. Since she died three years ago she constantly talks to me through my dreams, always unexpectedly. I take it as a sign that we were so close in life that we talk now even in death.
My grandmother is usually the only one who comes to visit, although she does sometimes bring up the fact that she is there with Sean's mom and sometimes she tells me to tell Sean the weirdest messages... like one time she asked me to tell him that his mom said that she was sorry for missing all of his games. When I asked Sean about it, he said that when she was dying she no longer could go to his sports games and she felt badly about it.
Chills.
I don't know what I believe in, if there is a heaven or a hell or a God or Allah or reincarnation or pure disintegrating back into the earth. I really don't know how I feel about life after death. Maybe seeing my loved ones in my dreams is how I cope. But these dreams are so real to me when they happen and I like to think that they are not simply my subliminal mind missing my loved ones.
This morning in my dream, Paul and I simply had a conversation. We talked freely about how it feels to know that you are dying -- as we talked freely when he was still alive -- and I asked him if I could write him a poem or a letter telling him how mad I was that I was losing such a close friend to cancer.
He hugged me and said "Yeah girl!" as he would. I don't remember much about the dream which is odd for me because I usually remember every detail. But I remember how it felt to hug him once more and to hear his voice in all of his wonderful glory.
My spirits are so very high this morning, because I just had a visit from one of my favorite people in the whole world. Makes me sure that we wont lose touch, even though we are separated by life and death.
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Reader Comments (2)
Your post reminded me of a few things.
Three days before my grandfather (who I was not close to) died he came to me in a dream and told me he was going to die. During his funeral service I had what I considered then several strange etheral moments -- watching the airy aura of his body sit up and then lay down in his casket (over and over again) ... and after he was buried seeing him walk down the street, happier than I ever saw him and with a lightness in his step that was missing when he was alive.
A short time later my first (ex)boyfriend died in a horrible accident (he was hit by a drunk driver) and although I hadn't seen or spoke to him in over a year when he passed, he came to me every single night in my dreams for well over two years. Every one of those dreams were filled with messages, wisdom, and advice.
Being fairly young I was frightened by both experiences. For the longest time I didn't speak to anyone about my dreams, didn't understand the value of them and really just wished they would end. Much too late I came to understand and appreciate my dreams and viewed them as a gift. I regret however not writing about what was being shared with me, because I don't remember a lot of it and it saddens me that something that I know now had a purpose in reaching me was not honored that way it should have been but instead lost to my fears.
Your Kahlil Gibran quote the other day reminded me of this, written by him as well, and I think it is fitting here.
“There are moments that hold aeons of separation. Yet parting is naught but an exhaustion of the mind. Perhaps we have not parted.”
Thank you for sharing. Watching you being open to and honoring what is, is (for lack of better word) refreshing.
Laur, The is soo much I want to say on the subject of death as I feel im an "expert" on it. I have lost 2 of my precious children and at the other end of life's cycle I have also lost my parents.All of whom I love with all my heart and I miss them soo very much everyday.When both children died within 4 years of each other I asked myself, how can I live or cope? God must have known my struggles because he allways had another child for me here to take care of..I coulnt leave this place no matter how much I wanted to.. I did get another gift from God to cope and to me that is the insight to realize this life is sooo very short ( I remember thinking omg will Mary or Eric miss their mommy?will they be ok?) God put it into my heart that the love I had given them, is nothing to the love they are receiving. They are fine where they are, and we will be reunited in a blink of an eye..They are back home where we started from and they are ahead of me on that journey and they now know all the answers that we dont here.That truly is how I get up every day and helped my coping with my parents deaths when the subject of their deaths came up with me. I dont know all the answers, but I do know what I feel in my heart.Laur all we can do is live this life with all we have, be kind and supportive not cruel and destructive and make this place a little bit better.For me its my relationship with God and love is what really matters. Material things dont belong to me, they are just being used while Im here.. I came with nothing material and I will leave with nothing material.. I am wise enough not to be seduced into believing otherwise..Money and things isnt worth my soul.. Ok Aunt Sanny is stepping down off the pulpit lmao.. I love you, my children and all my neices and nephews. Keep on doing what your doing, your a wonderful wise woman waay beyond her years. xoxoxo .